This blog has served well as a dumping ground for my most inane thoughts and frustrations, petty worries and vendettas, hopes, fears, victories, and failures.  And now, it’s time to lay it to rest.  The blog was always intended to be anonymous.  I was always meant to remain faceless, if not nameless, and I didn’t want to have to ever censor myself or my thoughts because of the people I knew who read my blog.  Unfortunately (or fortunately,) there are people who know me in real life who also know about this blog, have read every word, and, somehow, still want to talk to me and know me.  Unfortunately, this means I can’t write about them without them reading it and getting upset at how I talk about them, or flattered about how awesomely I portray them, or whatever.

I stopped writing for the most part when this happened, which was a very bad thing for me, because I like to write, I like to get my thoughts out on paper, it helps clear my mind and as the words flow from my brain onto the page, they lose some of the sting that they held for me when I kept them bottled up inside.  Good or bad, I had to get them out somehow.

I’ve started a new blog, elsewhere, one that won’t be listed on the Korean Blog List or anywhere else for that matter.  It could probably be found randomly on the internet, but it’s unlikely, and you certainly wouldn’t know it was me unless I happened to tell you.  It’s similar in tone, if not in style and substance.  Still just a way to get it all out.  Therapy, if you will.

So one last update for you, before I leave this chapter of my life to fester on the internet as long as WordPress deigns to let it stay here.

Work has been a steady source of frustration and amusement, mostly the latter, which is good.  I actually like my job, I like the kids.  They’ve really changed my outlook on children for the most part.  I used to hate them, and now I can tolerate them.  Although it’s hard not to smile when six or seven children are all screaming “David Teacher!” and hanging onto my legs and arms, refusing to let go until I physically remove each one of them.  Of course they can be brats too, and I rule my classroom with an iron fist, but that doesn’t stop them from adoring me.  It probably didn’t stop the Russians from loving Stalin either.

The rest of my life is going well, better than I could have expected before I arrived here in Korea, and I’ve made progress in my mental state that I could never have made at home.  There are things that I’ve realized here and things that I’ve started to think about that may turn my life upside down.

I sent an email to my best friend a little while ago.  I’ve taken everyone in my life for granted, just thought that they’d always be there, like they’ve always been.  I’ve had everything I could have ever wanted handed to me.  Every opportunity, every ounce of love, friendship, and hope was poured out to me and I squandered it, wasted it, let it spill on the bricks and watched it evaporate into thin air, and probably laughed while I looked on.  I confessed to him that I loved him, and that I’ve taken his friendship for granted, and that I wanted our friendship to be more important to me.  I’ve used him as a sounding board, a support group, a drinking buddy, a driver, a bank, and rarely have I given back to him.

I’m a selfish, foolish man.  Everything, everything in my life has always hinged on what I want, what I feel, what I think, how it’s going to affect me.  I rarely give two shits about other people.  Everything I’ve experienced, been through, dealt with, it’s all been a cakewalk, a product of my own stupidity, foolishness, and selfishness.  Nothing I’ve been through has mattered a bit in the grand scheme of things.  Even the worse thing I’ve experienced in my life, the thing that turned my life upside down, my divorce, is nothing.  It was simple, a speed bump.  Nothing, nothing compared to what millions of people are dealing with on a daily basis, or have dealt with, or will deal with.  My divorce was like eating steak and lobster with fine wine in the penthouse suite at the finest hotel in the world compared to what others have been through.

Still, I can’t stop complaining, or being selfish, or stop myself from thinking about what is going to be done for me, and my life.

I have glimpses of the meaning in my life, and I grasp at it, and someday I’ll catch it.  I just need to be there, go there, put in the effort necessary.  I have to stop being lazy, loser, loveless, lifeless.  Passion is what I need, pride is what I need to forsake, I have to put myself out there and sacrifice.  Kill my darlings, to use a writing term.

Thanks for reading.  This post has been a long time coming, but tonight, with too much caffeine, and too much sleep the night before, and too much introspection and thought, I decided I had better just get it done, get it out, shut it down.

The treetops will be silent.

I’m not sure if many of you have gotten the wrong impression of me from what I write, but truthfully, this has been mostly a place for me to vent my frustrations, anger, or disappointment in whatever has been happening in my day-to-day existence.  Since recently things have been absolutely super, I haven’t felt much need to write anything.  Work is going fine, my personal life is on an upward slope, and my finances have paid my bills and allowed me to have a decent time besides.

So, things are great here.  How are things with you?

Last week I took a visit to one of Seoul’s foreigner-only casinos, the Seven Luck Casino.  I had the morning off for election day, so I decided to make the most of it and stay out all night and take an expensive taxi, arriving home drunk on free drinks at 4:30 AM.  I don’t know what everyone else did with their time, but I lost 100,000 Won from my first paycheck.  Speaking of paychecks, I never realized exactly how much money I’d have in my pocket after getting paid.  Even after sending half of it home to pay bills, I’m flush with cash.  It’s wonderful.

So at the casino, I sat at a blackjack table for a very long time, betting, winning, losing, flirting with the dealers, talking to the Finnish, Japanese, and American people at my table, and drinking.  Eventually, after a long time, I lost all my money, and decided to leave.  Since I didn’t feel like walking to find a cheap taxi, I ended up taking one of the more expensive, black taxis.  It cost me around 15,000 Won to make my way home, but that was cheap, considering I once spent about $40 to go about 10 miles in Indiana.

Speaking of Indiana, one of my good friends had a birthday recently, so I decided to get on the internet and go to his Facebook page to wish him a happy belated birthday.  As I do so, I notice that he’s made my ex-wife one of his friends.  Not a problem, except for the fact that he and she had a huge argument and called each other the worst names in the book around the time of our divorce.  As far as I knew he hated her guts and would never have talked to her again.  The same way I felt about his ex-wife.  So I sent him a message saying happy birthday, but also that I noticed this little detail.  I don’t know what he’ll say about it, but it’s kind of disappointing and it makes me angry in a way.  It’s kind of like a betrayal of sorts.  He’s one of my best friends, and all of the sudden he’s consorting with my ex-wife.  I don’t know.  Maybe I’m overreacting.

Things here are going fairly swimmingly.  Although I still don’t have as many friends as I would like, and I still don’t get out as much as I’d like, and I still haven’t gotten laid or fucking hammered beyond recognition, and done anything stupid or been fucked up beyond repair, I’m enjoying myself.  I started doing martial arts, mixed martial arts, at a place with a friend of mine.  He’s been going for a few months and is really good.  I am so out of shape that I can barely make it through the warm-up exercises without being absolutely dead.  I’m sore all over.  Thursday we did boxing, and Friday we did kickboxing.  I am learning a lot and enjoying myself, and hopefully will get into shape as well.  I plan on going every night and getting myself whipped into shape.  We go from about 10:30 until whenever, which is around 12:30 or 12:45 usually.  So when I get home I’m exhausted and just shower and collapse in bed.  It’s nice though.  I like having other people to work out with, and learning martial arts is fun.

Work is going fine, my boss has decided to leave me be for the time being, so that’s nice.  I think I’m doing a far better job than I was in the past, so hopefully everything will be fine.  I saw my first cockroach in my apartment the other day, which was a shock, but I killed it and haven’t seen another since.  Let’s hope it remains that way.

Overall things are going well.  I’m enjoying myself, but I’d like some female company.  I’d like to make some more friends.  Friends who I can bitch at and complain to, who will put up with my arrogance and bullshit and take me out to get wasted and not complain.  Friends like I have back home.  Unlikely, as those friends I’ve been cultivating for ten years.  I’m old compared to most expats in Korea.  Almost 29 years old.

I went to the bank a while ago and there is a teller there who speaks decent English.  I got her phone number and tried calling her a couple days later, but she didn’t answer.  Then she sent me a text message saying that she was busy with exams, but would be happy to help me if I had questions about banking.  That sounds like a typical excuse from an American woman.  The other day I was there to transfer money and she was as friendly and beautiful as ever.  What a shame.  She also said I was too old.  What a joke.  Although my Korean age might be 30, I definitely don’t look that old.  Fuck it.

Talk to you shitheads later.

I teach two different kindergarten classes and 3 classes of older kids.  Kindergarten definitely takes a lot more out of me than the older kids do, just because I constantly have to maintain their attention and entertain them without allowing the class to degenerate into a madhouse of kicking, punching, and pulling hair.  Lucky for me, I got the best behaved classes – or maybe it just seems that way because I’m such a strict disciplinarian.

For two weeks I taught classes without really being told what to do or given any suggestions, or having my boss sit in my class.  I knew I was doing a fairly shitty job of things – arriving late and not having a chance to sit in on my coworkers classes didn’t help my abilities at all.  All of the sudden, I’ve had about a series of 5 meetings with my boss, who has decided to sit in on 4 classes of mine and give me “constructive criticism.”  Unfortunately, these meetings are really draining me and not doing anything for my stress levels.  Yes, I’ve gotten some good ideas, and they’ve been helpful in my class planning and teaching ability.  However, I don’t need to be overkilled with criticism.  All I really want is a chance to settle in without having to worry about stuff.  Some of my coworkers are leaving in a couple of months so hopefully when some newcomers arrive the target will shift.

Today was “field trip” day for the kindergarten classes.  Two of my coworkers and I, along with the Korean teachers and all our kindergarten kids piled into the buses and went to see an amazing “Bubble Magic” show.  It was basically a Korean guy who danced around to bad music and made huge soap bubbles with smoke inside.  It was entertaining, to be sure.  All my kids wanted to hold my hand and there were a lot of other kindergarten kids from other schools there who were astounded by my white coworkers and I.  It was way better than teaching the kids in the classroom, anyway.

Now I’m going to kick back with a beer and enjoy some time at home listening to music and reading.

So I walked around for a while and saw a lot of college-aged Koreans having fun with their friends while I looked like a lanky out-of-place loner.  Just one of what is sure to be many interesting forays into a new area of Korea.

The plus sides were the skimpy outfits worn by the beautiful Korean girls, even in the 40 degree weather.  I also got a good laugh out of a Korean guy and his girlfriend on the subway.  His stop came, he disembarked, and stood outside the door waving and smiling at this chick until we pulled away.  She really didn’t seem interested at all, she was looking at her cell phone the entire time.

Anyone know of any cool places I could’ve gone in Sinchon?  Any suggestions for weeknight destinations in the future?

Yes, my life in Seoul is boring.  In that regard, it’s very similar to my life back home in the United States.  I go to work, slog through the (admittedly much more brutal than in the US) working day, and go home.  The only difference is that here I’m actually working for 8 hours a day and at home I surfed the internet for 8 hours a day.  Here when I get home I walk around looking for trouble and in the US I just watched television or did something else unproductive.  On the weekends in the US I hung out with friends I’ve known for over a decade.  Here I (attempt to) hang out with people I may not have known for ten days.

I think the problem lies in my attitude.  It’s the same sort of thing that held me back in the United States.  I grow apathetic, comfortable with where I’m at and not really willing to take risks or put myself out there that much.  I might walk around and hope that someone will invite me out to do something or that I’ll find something interesting to do on my own.  More often than not I’ll inevitably end up being harassed by school children until I walk out of their sight.  My coworkers, thankfully, do hang out on the weekends (at least somewhat) so I haven’t been bored in that regard.  However the average weekday is about as exciting as watching paint dry.  I really need a hobby.  I need to get paid so I can go out and blow my money on stupid shit.  I need ideas.  I need to break out of my mold.

Last weekend I went to Yeouido Park by myself during the day, which was pretty fun.  The day was nice, the solitude was nice, and I actually took some pictures that I liked.  I need to do something like that with my weeknights.  Solitary or in the company of others, I have to start making the most of my time here.  Writing has gotten easier, surprisingly, although I haven’t put much effort into this blog, which I really should be using as an outlet outside of my personal writings.

I need to learn how to order a beer in Korean.  I have to get roaring drunk on the weekend.  I have to make mistakes and fail and pick myself up to fail again.

As a commenter so thoughtfully noted, yes, my life is boring.  No, it has nothing to do with any sort of promise that the Nightmare Believer made to me.  He never promised that he’d hook me up with a bunch of Korean women or anything of the sort.  Although I will admit that I thought in the back of my head that meeting people (read: Korean women) would be easier than it has been, it’s nothing I haven’t lived without for over a year anyway.  Korea never represented a chance to get laid countless times to me; it only offered a place for me to get away from the United States of Bullshit and pay off some debts.   Korean women are beautiful, and the language barrier makes it far easier for me to flirt with them and not fear rejection like I would back in the US, but the cultural and language differences also make it impossible for me to be as charming or irresistible as I would have been back in the States (insert laugh here.)  Yes, I’m 6 fucking feet 7 fucking inches tall.  But all that does for me is draw jibes from high school boys and small children who like to call me “giant” in Korean, or giggles and stares from girls in their school uniforms who are far too young for me to do more than wave back and say “hello” to.

So instead I’ll come home and drink two cans of Cass Red, go outside and wander my little corner of Mokdong, enduring the laughs and kids jumping to see if they can get as high as my shoulder.  If the Yellow Dust is bad, I’ll stay inside and work on my piece of Interactive Fiction or read about the much more interesting travels of a much better writer, Paul Theroux.  I’ll download a movie I want to see and watch it on my laptop, earbuds in, easily forgetting that I’m thousands of miles away from everything I used to know and take for granted.

I don’t hate it here, I love it.  In a sad way, I like being lonely.  I like being an outsider, an outcast, a freak in a country of people cut from the same cloth.  I don’t have to offer explanations to anyone, I don’t have to endure the bullshit of a cashier who wants to talk about politics, or unavoidably eavesdrop on the conversation of a close-minded Hoosier at Applebee’s.  I only look up when I hear the screech of “hello” or the shrill laughter of someone who can’t understand that there are different people outside of this small country.  And fuck, is gogi mandu delicious.

So yes, my life is as boring as my blog, and although this might bother me on one level, it leaves me pleased on a host of others.

It’s OK though, I’m making my way.  Today I rode the subway alone for the first time and now I’m sitting at my apartment drinking a huge thing of Cass Red which is making me feel a bit tipsy already.  Damn stretch of not drinking!  Anyone in Seoul reading this who is bored as fuck and wants to get together?  I promise I’m really not as interesting in real life as I seem from my blog posts.  That was a joke.

Every day I go into the 7-11 by work and speak English to the girl behind the counter, trying to make her smile, which doesn’t work.  Although I think she’s slightly warming up to me.  I did learn how to say “My name is…” in Korean, so I’ll try that out tomorrow and see if I can at least learn her name.  Yeah, this is the sort of shit that is entertaining me these days.

Anyway, I’m sure the weekend will bring opportunity but until then I’m teaching whiny brats who don’t cover their mouths and it’s like a merry-go-round of cold symptoms.

How’s things with you?

I had to find a plug converter for my laptop because I didn’t bring any from home.  So I walked around a bit today and found a tiny hardware store run by an old lady.  After some pantomiming, I was able to get what I wanted, for less than 1000 Won.  Now I can finally get on the internet again, although I’m hoping I won’t be wasting that much time in my apartment.

Last night I went out to Hongdae with some people and got my first taste of the Seoul nightlife.  It was pretty fun, although the places we went to were pretty calm.  We did go to a couple of places that were just insane, so I could get a look at what that was like, but we didn’t stay and to be honest I was glad.  I didn’t drink enough to get drunk, and it was just a good time.  I got back to my apartment at 3 AM, which according to everyone, was early.  But everyone else was in a hurry to get back anyway.

So far things are good, although I haven’t met many of the teachers yet and I’m not sure what restaurants are what and I don’t want to sit in my apartment eating ramyeon.  I guess I’ll see what happens.

The night I left I wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t get to sleep.  I had a sore throat and other issues.  Finally got to sleep after taking a couple of Tylenol night-time cold pills, slept for an hour, and woke up to go to the airport.  Of course I forgot my bag with all my toiletries in it, but I bought some necessities at the airport until I can get it mailed to me.

The flights were actually alright, thanks to Xanax.  The worst flight was the one from Chicago to Seattle, where I was wedged in between two large people and the stupid woman in front of me decided to put her seat back.  So that sucked.  The Asiana flight to Korea was much better.  I slept in fits, had my first taste of bibimbap and kimchi, and arrived at the airport.

The director’s friend picked me up and he only speaks a few words of English, so it was a quiet trip.  We got to the school at around 8:30 or so, where I sat in some classes and met the other teachers.  Around 10:15 we left, which was good because I was getting hungry and exhausted.  We ate some Korean barbecue and I ate this tiny green pepper, which was the hottest thing I have ever eaten in my life.  My mouth was burning and my eyes watering.  I also got my first taste of soju.  Pretty good stuff.

Anyway, now I’m in a tiny motel room with paper thin walls until the director picks me up and we go to the school so I can get some short training in that I missed out on due to my late arrival.  My apartment will be ready later today, it’s being cleaned.

I’m exhausted, but I’m here.  So far things are great.

It’s here, and I’ll be off to Korea tomorrow morning.  See you all soon.